I saw pictures of me and my one month old baby the other day on my gallery’s memories. It’s been two years since, but I remember the feeling of sleep deprivation and exhaustion amidst hormonal-related blues coupled with the pressure of a sweet little being who’s completely reliant on you for everything. I also remember the frustration and feeling betrayed, by other parents who tell you that you will never sleep again, and to just enjoy it. Of all people they should know that “enjoy” is not exactly the best choice of words for a new mother. She’s finding her bearings, learning as she goes. She’s bathing in snuggles (because they know too well that taking a shower is a luxury during these times) yet she’s also plagued by self-doubt. She could have a fussy baby. Her baby could have reflux. She could be struggling with breastfeeding because of her baby’s tongue tie. She could have a colicky baby. Her baby could refuse to sleep. Of course there’s a possibility that everything is going so well and she has a unicorn baby. But for most, I know “enjoy” is not the default.
What made me feel betrayed the most are the things that they do not tell you. Nobody told me that I would be extremely sore down there and I’d be afraid to pee or do #2. I wasn’t told that I would still look pregnant for weeks, I didn’t know that breastfeeding wasn’t going to be the most natural thing. I had no idea that it would be hard because it’s physically demanding and it would color your perception. I wasn’t assured that it’s okay to cry, feel a little sad and it doesn’t mean that you don’t love your baby or that you are a bad mother. But these are the biggest omissions: they don’t tell you that one day your baby will look and smile at you and you will understand his joy of being held. They don’t tell you that you will get a sense of purpose, direction and reason that has a gravitas unlike any, pre-baby. They don’t warn you that you will look at your husband and fall in love with him all over again with more intensity, marveling at how wonderful of a Dad he is. And that one day your baby will learn to communicate, and he will let you know that you are his hero and a hug from you is a magic pill that makes everything better. That nothing makes him happier than cuddling with you and you are the world to him. This shit is hard, but it’s worth it.